I Suffer From Reoccuring Dreams

You can find my other page at doctorwhooldandnew.tumblr.com

I Read Recently That Cursing Relieves Pain

Should I preface this with my credentials? I don’t have any. Suffice it to say, I should point out these people would make it on my list of all-time favorite funny people: Carlin, Hicks, David Cross, Tina Fey, Paul F. Tompkins, and Amy Poehler. Patton Oswalt would have been included on the list before his appearance on Twitter.

Holy shit! Did I just throw down on P.O.? No, I didn’t. Yet, I’m sure some asshole is going to go “cleeek” (copy) “cleeek” (paste) and send the link just to troll the whole goddamn thing. I’ve got fucking 10 followers, I’m not posting this to start a war against a celebrity. I just had to type this shit out and get it off my chest. I bet a whole 5 people will read this. This is just cathartic to me; a 30-ish year old with three kids under the age of 6 who goes to school full time because if I go back to a call center gig I will gladly fucking throw myself off some shit. I’m not even on Twitter that much.

I didn’t follow the Oswalt on Twitter very long because he just came across as this perfect blend of drunk and/or tired, cranky, and a bit egotistical. “Egotistical?! Bull-fucking-shit! You’re mad because he didn’t follow your pointless ass back.” Yes, this is how I’m imagining your argument. However, at the time I had just celebrated my one year anniversary of being unfollowed by Todd Barry, who I had always known was overly gracious for following me in the first place. My own ego was checked and mated.

So you can imagine my shock and awe that Joss Whedon, of all people, retweeted a diatribe Patton Oswalt had written and despite my misgivings (because I’ve thrown away my misgivings before to read Oswalt’s rants about important, worldly shit) I gave the reading a go. Well, it starts out about joke stealing and admitting how he stole a joke early in his stand up career. That’s about as far as I got. I figured I’d pick up the autobiography if I was interested in further reading. Later that day, my husband says, “Whatever you do, don’t read the latest blog post from Patton Oswalt. You, of all people. You, specifically.” I thought maybe there was a new post. “What’s it about?”
“Kelly Oxford.”
“Is that the post about joke stealing?”
“Oh, you read it?” 

Let me backtrack a little here. If I were telling you this in person, here’s where I’d dramatically sigh then pound a cocktail. Maybe I’d do a backflip just to shake out a little extra energy. A long ass time ago (it feels) Devin Faraci tweets “Who the fuck is Kelly Oxford?” I had followed this Oxford long before that, because I was under the impression she was a down to earth mom of three that said funny shit. Then suddenly she gained this incredible Twitter momentum, kept reposting the same tweets, and I once looked at who she followed and it was ostensibly nothing but celebrities. She stopped feeling real and down-to earth. I stopped following her.

Everybody and their mom retweeted her shit at the time so it was a little refreshing to see this Faraci tweet. I sucked that shit up, and I called her a hack that got lucky.

Now, I doubt that Oxford was following Faraci because I don’t know that he would have the balls to say that knowing she followed him. I mean, he calls people out for @ including people in personal critiques, and he didn’t @ KO in the tweet. The first person who responded (and I’m paraphrasing) “Oh I looooove Kelly Oxford and I’d like to lick her asshole” didn’t even @ mention KO. So imagine MY shock and horror when my hack comment made it to her radar. I’m guessing either some trolling asshole went running to her to report me like the fucking gestapo or this bitch searches her name every 15 minutes. So this is how it went down. Again, I’m paraphrasing in my own words but it went something like this:
KO @ replies to me: I’m a hack? I think you’re copying my shit because you have kids too and you’re trying to be funny on Twitter.
Me: Sorry, I thought you were too famous to read that. I just have a problem with people who post the same shit over and over. It’s a hack move.
KO: I just like to think of it as The Best of Kelly Oxford.

Okay, honestly that was all the exchange. I couldn’t even reply to that. Best of Kelly Oxford? Bitch, you’re Twitter famous. Best of… Who does she think she is? Abba?

I wasn’t into it. I wasn’t into following a syndicated timeline. I wasn’t about to suck ass, apologize for having an opinion, follow her again to show her I’ve mended my evil, evil ways. I wasn’t going to give my children up for adoption so that I would stop copying Kelly Oxford. The trying to be funny part? I’ve got nothing.

Weirdly enough, after that the Twitter gods smite me and I haven’t gained a follower since. People who used to @ reply me just ignore my attempt at dialogue, for the most part. With only 10 followers, there were no death threats, but if I had 20, I wouldn’t have been surprised. At this point, she SHOULD be in Hollywood or even D.C. with this kind of die hard devotion. For the record, I unfollowed Borowitz for reposting the same jokes and I whine a little when Fugelsang does it, but he has so many awesome gems from Current that I can’t bear to cut him loose.

After the above-mentioned exchange, a KO retweet in my timeline would make me cringe a little but I’d like to think I’m over it. I haven’t even seen one for a few months now. I had heard she had a book make it to the NY Times bestseller list. She may have even made it to the top of said list. I know she’s in the works to make a show. Good for her. I mean, Patton Oswalt devotes an entire blog post to her and Joss Whedon retweets it. My hat goes off.

I don’t consider myself a troll, just an occasional shit talker. Who isn’t? Sometimes I like to think that after I told her my opinion, she stopped repeating herself and now has a Pulitzer prize winning timeline. All because of my shitty approach at constructive criticism.

And I’M the asshole.

Conservative Christians and the GOP

In 2000, the GOP decided a good tactic of winning elections would be to appeal to conservative Christians. In 2013, after a huge presidential loss for the Republicans and in the midst of growing animosity for both ideals, we have to wonder: is the GOP hurting Christianity or is Christianity hurting the GOP?

Modern segregation… alive and well in the US.

minusmanhattan:

South Central Dallas by Laurisa Galvan. 

The photographer writes:

South Central Dallas is about an inner city urban area in social isolation. I was told not to go there. There is a taboo; ordinary people stay away from that area, and the people who reside there seem to stay within their territory. The area is described as dangerous, both by residents and outsiders; it seems exotic. A place where the rules, to a certain extent, do not apply. It is a place people want to see on television, but they don’t really want to be there. It is a place that can be easily ignored. It’s streets do not sleep; day or night there is always something going on.

I really dig this work - her words match exactly how I felt looking at the images (before reading what she wrote). These thumbs don’t do it justice, go over to Fraction Magazine and check out the rest. 

thefluffingtonpost: Cat Is First Thing Man Sees Upon Waking Up from Coma “I’ll tell you, it was a little disconcerting,” says Thom Aaronson, who woke up from a coma early Monday morning to the sight of his cat Sasha, hovering close to his face.  ”It’s nice to know she cares so much, I guess, but I mean, give a guy some room, you know?” “She never left his side,” according to a nurse close to the situation. “Day and night, she was always staring right at his face.  Once he woke up, though, she sort of lost interest and went to sit in a window.” Via Raoul Pop.

thefluffingtonpost:

Cat Is First Thing Man Sees Upon Waking Up from Coma

“I’ll tell you, it was a little disconcerting,” says Thom Aaronson, who woke up from a coma early Monday morning to the sight of his cat Sasha, hovering close to his face.  ”It’s nice to know she cares so much, I guess, but I mean, give a guy some room, you know?”

“She never left his side,” according to a nurse close to the situation. “Day and night, she was always staring right at his face.  Once he woke up, though, she sort of lost interest and went to sit in a window.”

Via Raoul Pop.

(via karlimeaghan)

How come they don’t give book deals to stoners? Because nobody wants to read 120 pages of how a cat dressed in a jacket and sunglasses could look like he could drive a truck. -Heard this on NPR about six years ago and never forgot it.